When I was a kid, my mom told me not to talk to strangers.
Even if they offered me candy.
Strangers might offer you chocolate my mom would say. Just to get you to go with them.
I was a fat kid. I would totally go with them.
Then they’ll kill you. And there’s the rub.
We were paranoid back in those days. Not anymore.
Now with Facebook and Twitter, we’re just handing away information.
Before you do, read this. I’m going to scare your ass more than that one episode of Diff’rent Strokes where they get kidnapped.
Remember that one? It had a warning before it started!
Here’s yours. Five things you just can’t share online.
1. 1. Your Location.
For some outrageous reason, it’s now cool to share your exact location. People check into FourSquare to share their GPS coordinates with their psychotic Internet friends.
This means that overnight, women started telling random strangers where they are.
Yet when I ask them for this information, I’m the one that’s weird.
2. 2. What Your Plans Are.
Hey you guys! Just going to Jack Astors on Front Street with Paul and John from work! Fun!
Then you link to Paul and John’s profiles to feed them to the psychopaths.
What do you want from telling us this?
Do you want random Internet people to emerge from their dank caverns and just randomly show up at Jack Astors on Front Street?
Because that sounds like a party.
3. 3. Pictures Of Your Kids.
If you have little kids, the worst thing you can do is share pictures of them on the Internet.
When I was young, my mom would hide me from this cock-eyed old man with a limp who worked at Food City. She would tell me to stay in the shopping cart.
Which wasn’t hard because I would actually be stuck in the shopping cart until my mom pried my fatness from the metal.
On the Internet, there are thousands of cock-eyed old men with limps.
You really want them looking at your kids?
And I mean young kids, not your 30 year old son who still lives with you.
Oh dear god. I’m three months away from being a throw-away blog joke.
4. 4. Your Password Hints.
Nobody’s dumb enough to give away their password. But we’re all dumb enough to give away our password hints.
Like me, for example. I clearly like boobs.
So if you tried to hack into my password, you could answer the questions easily.
What was your first pet’s name?
What is your favorite song?
And slowly piece together my password, 123Boobs.
The lesson is, be smarter than me.
5. 5. Trash-Talk About Your Boss.
Or co-worker. Or anybody.
Telling Facebook and Twitter doesn’t make it any less real.
They still know you called them a douchebag.
You hear that Mark from Ohio?
I’m a human boy with real emoticons.
There you have it. Use these rules and maybe you won’t get violated in a Home Depot parking lot.
Unless you want to get violated in a Home Depot parking lot.
I attract very odd readers.